DESPERATE TIMES
At a recent CCSC meeting, one of the unreported topics of discussion was a plan to sign up for an “Escape the Room” session.
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Bacchanal’s Lion Tamers aren’t the first to be assigned the bewildering task of stopping sexual assault. March’s First Friday event page included the following blurb: “This dance Space will be kept secure by peer safety monitors. If any activity which seems to violate the rules of CONSENT ensues, you will be interrupted, and possibly asked to leave the party space. Safely monitors can be found wearing glow sticks in the party space.”
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Only one person took the precaution and signed up for the spring break “emergency” meal plan, which would have cost $200 had it not been cancelled due to lack of interest.
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As proof that Columbia is swelling with more students, almost all the doubles in ZBT’s former brownstone have been converted into triples this year for transfer housing. Several doubles in the so-called “Special Interest House” brownstones have also been assigned to transfers.
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RULES WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN
While students are not allowed pets in their dorms, Dean Kromm has a small dog named Tory in Wallach.
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A second-semester senior who skipped the first month of his floor hockey P.E. class was told that he would accrue “double attendance” each game if he agreed to don the heavy (and heavily-used) equipment and play goalie.
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In addition to members of No Red Tape, the University sent warning letters to the Spec reporter and photographer who covered the admission Q&A protests. Fitting, given PrezBo’s prezboner for the First Amendment.
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The author of a Spec opinion piece has been asked to meet with a University public relations manager for allegedly mischaracterizing the nature of their dealings.
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IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ‘EM, JOIN ’EM
Admins are working on a plan that would add a $30 semesterly tuition surcharge to have unrestricted free laundry. Rumor has it that part of the decision was Facilities’ inability to get washers in some dorms to charge students full price.
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Chad Washington is back on the football team.
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Columbia is paying up to 15 students $750 a semester to participate in a sexual health committee. Positions were advertised as a glossy addition to your resume.
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In Professor Jacob Boersema’s Classical Social Theory class, a discussion of Marx’s suggestions for reducing the power of the bourgeoisie led one student to inquire, “But, like, if that happens, who will give big charity gifts to hospitals? And if Columbia didn’t get all those donations from the one percent they wouldn’t be able to do top-notch research.”