Ask Ava
And you shall receive.
By Ava Lozner
I have been contacted upwards of eleven times by senior members of The Blue and White who demand that I stop secretly inserting this column into the Magazine. This is my first time succeeding in publishing my work after countless thwarted attempts. I believe I have an essential perspective on the contours of this world that simply must be shared. It flows through me like a spurting fountain of wisdom. The truth cannot—shall not—remain hidden.
Dear Ava,
My boyfriend hasn’t wanted to have sex with me in three months. He’s given lots of different reasons but I feel like he just doesn’t want me anymore. How do I bring back the spark in our relationship?
Horny and Confused
Dear Horny,
As I don’t know what “sex” is, I asked a man on the street. He said: “Porn?”
Dear Ava,
I can’t find my sock. Can you tell me where it is?
Cold Feet
Dear Cold,
I can’t tell you where it is, but I can tell you it’s certainly not where you think it is.
Dear Ava,
Things haven’t been quite the same since my Uncle Bob died. He was a complicated man, no doubt about it; but he was the closest thing I had to a father. I’ve turned to faith to try to make sense of his loss. I’m a regular reader of your column, and wanted to reach out to you to see how you feel about this whole heaven and hell thing. To be honest, I can’t figure out how I feel about it. This might sound kind of silly, but do you think some of us really do go to hell? Could Uncle Bob be there now? I don’t know. Just figured I’d reach out.
Faithfully Yours
Dear Faithfully,
Thank you for reaching out. These questions are completely natural, and you shouldn’t feel silly asking others about them.
To answer your question, no, I don’t believe any of us go to hell in the traditional sense. I’m sure the reality is much, much worse than any of us could ever imagine.
Sending you love as you work through your grief.
Dear Ava,
I really fucked up, and I have no clue what to do. I have a girlfriend of three years but I’ve recently started seeing someone on the side. The catch is, I live with my grandma, so I have to have my sneaky link over on Wednesday nights when Gammy goes to bingo. Well, unbeknownst to me, bingo was cancelled last week. Imagine my surprise when Gammy comes out to the living room after her nap and catches me on my knees, right in the middle of pet play.
Problem is, my grandma adores my girlfriend, and says she’s going to tell her I’m cheating. How do I convince her not to?
Gammy’s Boy
Dear Boy,
Sounds like it’s time for Gammy to go night-night forever.
Dear Ava,
What should I do if my relationship is feeling a bit too vanilla? Any advice on how to make things more interesting in the bedroom?
Worthless Chode
Dear Worthless,
For future reference, people usually only ask one question.
Maybe try communicating to your partner that you prefer chocolate.
I think a tasteful poster or perhaps a vase of flowers can really elevate the space.
