By Michael Colton
Dear Dante,
I missed the deadline for Senior Scramble, and now I feel like I missed my chance at getting *quality time* with some long-time schemes, a couple of whom are close friends of mine. I don’t want to let it slide since all of my friends are already meeting up with their matches, but I’m also afraid of getting rejected or making things weird with friends or acquaintances by going for it. How should I approach my own personal scramble?
–CC ’22
Dear INCEL,
I’ve certainly been in your shoes before, hoping to seal the deal before the clock runs out. The difference is that, historically, my partners have come looking for my bedroom with the fervor of British soldiers seeking short-term residence in 18th-century Boston, whereas you seem quite pressed for options. Nevertheless, I understand what you’re going through, as I’m quite familiar with your type (super horny). With the end of your college career approaching, and (I assume) a Latter Day Saints’-level of casual open mouth kissing in your past, it’s totally natural to be seeking out a bit of fun before you leave campus. The difficulty comes in (a) finding partners that are willing to be intimate with someone whose go-to move for getting laid is to write to a campus advice columnist, and (b) making sure that you don’t ruin friendships with your lack of game.
Let’s start with the challenge of finding a hookup. You say that you’ve got some friends in mind that you’ve been eyeing for a while—that’s great. To a potential partner, nothing is more seductive than knowing that you’ve been silently hot for them for the entirety of your friendship. So, to start, you should subtly indicate your longstanding interest in them. It’s best to do so casually, maybe through an Instagram DM about how they looked cute today in their overalls (just a guess), or a text message saying something sweet like “I’ve never actually thought of you as a friend as much as someone I’d like to one day have low-effort sex with.”
If you’re looking to expand your options beyond your immediate circle, Senior Scramble wasn’t your only shot. Personally, I find most of my partners either through Raya (I was personally invited to join by Maggie Gyllenhaal), or campus organizations like “Perfect!” which meets in secret every week above Sweetgreen and is open to anyone who has either been offered a Parade micro-sponsorship or a spot on the fencing team. If neither of those avenues are accessible (you would already know if they were), then disregard everything in this paragraph other than the fact that I know Maggie Gyllenhaal on an intimate level.
In all seriousness, you really shouldn’t be too worried about making things weird with the people you’re trying to scheme. The anonymity of Senior Scramble is great for protecting your dignity, but there’s nothing hotter than owning your sexuality, and not being afraid to act on it. Even more important to keep in mind is that it’s the end of college, and there’s really nothing to lose by shooting your shot, even with someone you know. Don’t worry about making things weird with your advance or scaring people off with your obvious lack of experience, because your close friends are already all planning to move to Brooklyn without you next year—they told me at the Perfect! meeting last week.
Anyway, this is all to say that you’ve got to work to make it work, even if that means feigning the confidence and desirability needed to do so. And I think you’d be pleasantly surprised at how many of the people in your life are thinking of you in the same way. Some of them are probably even in betting pools about the likelihood of you getting laid by the end of the year, so don’t be afraid to go for it.
Best of luck,
Dante