• The Blue and White Magazine

Campus Gossip, November 2015

ABUSE OF POWER COMES AS NO SURPRISE

Senior Ünderground, aka CCSC, promised a drink special of $5 for 5 beers. People braved the line for 30-45 minutes only to find out that the promised price was a typo, and the actual price was $15. The following day, members of the Senior Ünderground listserv received an email from an organization called Senior Aboveground, which, despite claiming to be “legit as fuck” and “on the roof of Low,” has not done anything beyond that initial correspondence. Rumor has it that Senior Aboveground is actually Senior Ünderground’s repressed, self-hating Other, trolling itself.

***

At a recent meeting of the Core committee, members received instruction that it was important to cut down the number of Core adjuncts, lest they—shock, horror—unionize.

***

At the top of the 9th inning during game four of the Mets-Cubs series, Mel’s drowned out the game with its usual Senior Night playlist. Enraged, a passionate fan in Mets regalia accosted the bartender for trying “to turn this place into a nightclub.” The orange and royal blue clad masses joined her ardent protest, and the bar-goers cheered triumphantly when the music was turned off. Apparently people take the idea of Mel’s being a sports bar really seriously.

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CLASS ACTION

When Professor Jason Barr asked his Urban Economics class how he thought 19th century Americans commuted, one student was eager to answer. “Chariots!” she exclaimed.

***

The Office of Undergraduate Student Life video shown at this year’s NSOP, featuring several administrators in a lip dub to Taylor Swift’s “Welcome to New York,” has been removed from Vimeo “as a result of a third-party notification by International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) claiming that this material is infringing.”

Columbia’s lawyers, the Columbia General Counsel, are available 24/7 lest a disaster befall the institution. Call their emergency hotline anytime day or night, and a member of the GC will be there.

***

Perhaps tired of saying “it’s on the syllabus” in response to student inquiries, Joseph Howley, an assistant professor in the Classics department, decided to hide an Easter Egg on the syllabus for one of his courses, instructing students to send him an email with a picture of Alf, the 1980s garage-dwelling alien from the eponymous sitcom, with subject line “It’s Alf!”

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WHERE YOU LIVE

“Pith,” the restaurant in Hogan that your mom may have called you about after seeing it in The New Yorker, is reportedly being investigated by the NYC Department of Health.

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Students living on the fifth floor of Plimpton were asked by Res Life not to put feces in the trash bags. The Columbia football team makes up the majority of that floor.

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East Campus residents celebrating a 21st birthday went one step above a twerk wall and installed a stripper pole in their living room.

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The University is currently seeking funding upwards of $1 million to replace tenured faculty with adjuncts while the faculty—who have not earned sabbaticals— sojourn at a mythical, new Columbia global initiative, the Center for Ideas and Imagination.

***

The lactation room in Carman was briefly under construction. It has since been reopened to the public.

***

Columbia…making it great again!

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