TRUE TO FORM
The night of Columbia Football’s defeat by Brown, a players was seen leaving International fumbling with and eventually dropping his wallet.
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When the Spectator’s Park Avenue-bred Publisher discovered a fresh turd on the floor of the Spec’s office’s elevator, he got nervous. He feared that the esteemed weekly might face retribution from its landlord—Columbia University. (The financially independent publication gets the space for free.) His solution: offering $50 to anyone on the Spec staff who would clean up the shit. An editor who has openly written about his struggles with class and affordability at Columbia took up the challenge.
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Head of Public Safety James McShane got angry at a meeting with Student Affairs administrators over Bacchanal. “Is it a concert or is it a party?” he exclaimed.
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VOTE FOR ME
From the Columbia University College Republicans’ new constitution:
Voting shall be done by secret ballot. The SGB representative will count votes in each election while the candidates are absent from the room. In the event that no candidate receives a majority, a run-off election between candidates with the top two shares of the vote, inclusive of ties, will be held. In no situation will more than three candidates be involved in a run-off. In the case of a tie in the run-off, the Master of Ceremonies will ask for a second vote between the two candidates receiving the tie, and if necessary, further speeches by the candidates shall be given. In the case of a second tie in said election, the Master of Ceremonies will flip a coin to determine the winner; in the case of a second tie between more than two candidates, a random number generator will be used to select the winner.
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Upon noticing that South Field was closed during parents weekend, a senior level student affairs administrator exclaimed, “I can’t believe the lawn isn’t open. Normally we at least have it open when the parents are here.”
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SLACKTIVISM
Carmen Velasquez, supposedly a senior in SWS, is not a real person despite having authored an Eye article and being quoted in national press. She was meant to graduate last year, anyway, according to The Nation. She is, in fact, George Joseph.
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A spokesperson for the university allegedly had some harsh words to say about the “Carry that Weight” protest. (paraphrasing) She told a reporter that activists have made the protest about themselves and that if they were really against sexual assault, they’d be protesting at Fordham or NYU, not Columbia, which according to her has one of the best policies in the country.
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On the Day of Action, some of the mattresses which weren’t carried to PrezBo’s house were left on Low, for which Facilities charged Student Worker Solidarity— who booked the space—a cleanup fee. SWS hadn’t been told that this would happen: at the event review, it was agreed that the remaining mattresses would go back to the Barnard art studios, rather than make extra work for workers.
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RUNNING THE NUMBERS
On average, each member of Kappa Alpha Theta invited 1.29 guests to their recent semi-formal.
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Sigma Chi has an average GPA of 3.11
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State violence…it’s inscrutable.