It’s officially winter-time at Columbia, and you know what that means: sipping sweet apple cider by the dorm radiator, building snowdicks in front of Butler, and utterly losing the skill of having casual conversation with your peers. Yes, the winter isolation bug is on the prowl again, about to creep into your life before you know it. But not for the lucky few of you who just opened to this page of the Blue and White. This year, I provide you with an official step-by-step guide for maintaining friendly conversation with your peers whenever you feel the faculty has deserted you.
Location A: Hamilton Elevator You: Wow, I hate the Hamilton Elevator. It totally sucks balls! Acquaintance X: Yeah, it totally sucks! You: It’s so slow. Almost as slow as the wifi in the basement of the International Affairs Building. Acquaintance X: Wow, this was a really relatable and awesome conversation. I was really sad three seconds ago but now I’m not. You: I know. Good thing we had this amazing guide with us.
Location B: Mail Center You: Hello, Acquaintance Y. Acquaintance Y: My name is not Acquaintance Y. You: I’m pretty sure it says right here your name is Acquaintance Y. Acquaintance Y: My name is Steven. You: That’s hilarious. Well, time to go. I can’t wait to have another guided conversation with you again sometime soon, Acquaintance Y.
Location C: Laundry Room You: Oh hello there. Ugh,laundry. Acquaintance Z: Yeah, so true. Anyway, this conversation guide is awesome. You: Yeah, we should be friends with the author of it. Acquaintance Z: That’s such a good idea! You: Yeah! She definitely has a ton of friends already and doesn’t need any more, but we should be friends with her anyway because we want to out of our own free will. Acquaintance Z: Totally. You: I heard somewhere her email is ms5753@ coumbia.edu if anyone ever wants to talk to her and be friends. Acquaintance Z: That’s awesome. Let’s email her immediately.