Welcome to the Suck - March 1, 2026

On today’s agenda: An attempted bribery scandal, Response to ICE and Glass House Rocks, and a coming out party.

By Rocky Rūb

Well, well, well. It has officially happened. CCSC has become so afraid of The Blue and White’s attentive readership and astute observations of political malpractice that they have resorted to arse-kissery and bribery. Of course, council members have always been keen to praise my good looks and striking wit—something they’ve been doing since before I started diligently reporting on them. But at the beginning of this week’s meeting, VP Policy, Matias Hernandez, CC ’26, went so far as to try to shove a cookie in my mouth! Luckily, I know that a cookie purchased in New York City probably exceeds the 25 dollar “normal value” gift limit allowed to journalists, so I obviously declined. 

However, the press section wasn’t completely free of chocolate chip crumbs, and I would like it to be noted on the record that Columbia Daily Spectator journalists gobbled the handout without hesitation! I thought this was sort of ironic considering CCSC doesn’t even need to bribe Spec for them to be in good graces. CCSC members publish two op-eds with them a week and the alliance is clear even if no one reads them! Spec, take my advice now; you’ll just never have an edge until, like me, you start committing to bullying your peers and their goals of making campus a better place for all students while having fun with a diverse group of people through our time-honored, noble student government. Losers!

That being said, speaking of the Department of Homeland Security’s abduction of Elmina Aghayeva, GS ’26, on Thursday, February 26, President Sam Cano Cabrera, CC  ‘26, noted: “I did not get a lot of information from higher admin, apart from [that] the video that Claire Shipman released would have a lot of that information.” So, CCSC members spent the latter part of last week meeting with deans to ask questions about the situation and to brainstorm new resources the University could implement to help students. For example, Hernandez pitched adding active ICE presence notifications to the Clergy Crime Report emails: “If you can get that for fondling, can you get it for ICE on campus?” Other council members offered personal support for their peers. VP Campus Life, Ale Murat, CC ’27, stated: “If anyone needs someone to talk to about their frustration or resources, please see me as someone you can talk to about this…Or, if you need puppy therapy, I have my dog!”

Obviously this is not a laughing matter, but as noted by Cano Cabrera, the annual student performance showcase, Glass House Rocks, “funnily enough, always happens around a time of crisis for the council or for the school.” Which reminds me to give a big Blue and White endorsement to the accordion player in CU Sketch Show for their marvelous performance backdropping a woman in a boxing ring fighting a red Kermit the frog that slowly lost his limbs throughout the brawl. Of course, red Kermit won in three rounds because there is no world in which both The Sundial could still be allowed to publish articles and a woman could ever win a boxing match; even one against a puppet without legs, arms, and only one eye! But that’s a conversation for Simone de Beauvoir, also known as, The Blue and White’s Biggest Fan! 

And last, but certainly not done with puberty, the Class of 2029 representatives made their first proposal to the rest of the Council this week. “Please come over here, all four of you, please,” Cano Cabrera beckoned them to the lectern at the front of the room, and continued, “alright, y’all, let’s listen to our freshmen folk.” The freshmen proposed the design and costs for their free class sweaters to hand out in the spring. This recurring initiative, like a coming out party held every year for the freshmen politicians, is a little different this year. Class of 2029 President, Nicolas Lima, CC ’29, revealed that although “previous classes have always done crewnecks, we surveyed our class body and the overwhelming majority prefer to have quarter-zips.” The room erupted in a cacophony of questions. “What was the gender breakdown of this survey?” asked one member; and, “What was the major breakdown?” asked another. Regardless, it’s just one more example of the freshmen class being full of weird, horny freaks (Alice Health’s words, not mine)!

As Lady Whistledown of Bridgerton fame foams at the mouth with the new blood of each marriage season, as do I look forward to the future content of these new political bobble heads! 

See you next week!