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  • Frank Baring and John Tanguay

The Doors We Love to Hate

Updated: Sep 4, 2021

The Blue and White presents a non-comprehensive, and almost entirely subjective look at Columbia’s four worst entryways.

By Frank Baring and John Tanguay

That One Automatic John Jay Door

Automatic/manual mixup: 10/10

Push/pull mixup: 5/10

Heaviness: 9/10

Creak: 8/10

Sex appeal: 7/10 (this door will break your heart and not even flinch)

“And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth in the form of a door.” – Revelation 12:9

As we investigators watched this monstrosity for days on end with red, sleep-deprived eyes and coffee stained mugs-in-hand, we saw carnage of an unspeakable scale. The worst were the freshmen. So young. So unsuspecting. They would walk up to that godforsaken deathtrap, spritely and full of life. I remember their faces, every single one—A man doesn’t just move on from something like that. With each victim I’d swear: no more. Just when I thought this door had taken its last soul, another would bite the dust. And now… Well, now my nights remain sleepless and lonesome. This past week has been the worst. I dare not sleep. When I sleep, I dream, and if I dream, I might see them again. My kids look at me like they don’t even recognize me—oh God, there’s no going back this time.

The worst part is it’s still out there, and who knows when it will strike again. This door is the closest I will ever have to a nemesis; and it’s more than that: an archenemy, a demon. By God, I will bring down this door if it’s the last thing I do, so that maybe someday those carrying hot beverages or bowls of bisque from John Jay might finally be able to pass by, peaceful and undisturbed.

Carman Doors

Automatic/manual mixup: 2/10

Push pull/mixup: 3/10

Heaviness: 6/10

Creak: 0/10

Sex appeal: -4/10

“But suppose now that industrial society does survive the next several decades and that the bugs do eventually get worked out of the system, so that it functions smoothly. What kind of system will it be?” –Theodore J. Kaczynski

Wien Double Doors

Automatic/manual mixup: 10/10

Push pull/mixup: 3/10

Heaviness: 5/10

Creak: 7/10

Sex appeal: 7/10

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” – 1 Peter 5:8

On approach, you have ten meters, roughly 12-13 paces, to notice that here lies not one, but two doors. Look upon them, ye mighty, and despair. No matter how fast or agile you think you are, there is no guarantee you’ll evade their mighty swings. No one is safe—we are dealing with a system grounded in chaos here, a system which grinds up those poor oblivious fools who know not what they’re dealing with. See, if you live in this building, you know not to walk right up to the door and simply pull on the handle; no, there is a process. You know to push the button on the right, wait for these Luciferian death panels to creak open, and ONLY THEN do you make your way through. And as you walk, you pray, pray that no one attempts to exit the building as you enter, and in doing so, throw your attempt at entrance into limbo, and render you a prisoner between these two mighty doors. The opening and closing mechanism seems to run on a timer, and the mechanism yields for no one. If you are not familiar with this door and would consider visiting Wien for fun—protect your neck. Only some of us deserve to pass into the valley beyond and this door promises to separate the worthy from the worthless.

Avery Door

Automatic/manual mixup: 0/10

Push/pull mixup: 7/10

Heaviness: 10/10

Creak: 0/10 (silent killer)

Sex appeal: 2-8/10 (depending on whether or not you like your doors thicc).

“For behold, the Lord is coming out from his place to punish the inhabitants of the earth for their iniquity, and the earth will disclose the blood shed on it, and will no more cover its slain.” – Isaiah 26:21

Yeah, there’s no easy way to say this. This door is a real lard-ass. There’s a reason you never see the more scrawny campus dwellers in Avery; the risk is just too high. If you’re not carrying at least a solid 170 pounds of bodyweight, this door is a THREAT TO YOUR LIFE, especially on the more drafty days of the year. If you don’t bring your A-Game to wrestle with this door it will crush you like the Avery occupying, insect-poseur you probably are. The best you can hope for is a closed casket.

No doors were threatened or blackmailed for the benefit of this study.


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