These entries are, unfortunately, true. College names have been faithfully maintained to punish the guilty. No dates were harmed in the making of this column.
By Nicole Kohut and Sam Needleman
September
Nicole Kohut | Co-author forced me to go on picnic with r*gby player who made me watch his close-up magic (card tricks, you dirty animals!) the entire time. Immediately ghosted, but he still sent Facebook invite to EC party that would ultimately infect student body with Covid.
Sam Needleman | Opened al fresco wine date with routine tirade against Israel’s latest crimes, only to find I was sitting across from foremost Twitter Zionist on certain upstate campus.
NK | Carbone chef made me vodka sauce, then asked for advice concerning his crusade against his little sister’s sexual awakening.
October
NK | Man overconfident about looking like Armie Hammer told me he has a boat.
SN | Drafted tender DM to girl in class. Opted not to send when, a moment later, she informed our peers that my discussion post on Paulo Freire was “reductive.”
NK | Poli Sci/Econ major thought we had a lot in common because he “watched Dunkirk” and thought “Harry Styles was surprisingly good.”
SN | Purchased falafel and, in the comfort that only East Side anonymity can bring, began stuffing face while walking. During biggest tzatziki-meets-mask fiasco in recent memory, ex appeared in form-fitting running clothes across otherwise desolate avenue.
NK | On birthday eve, man-child called me unlovable and invited me to the Hamptons in the same hour.
November
SN | Feigned interest in Broad City for Stanford alum over text. When asked for “commentary,” cried anti-Semitism and went to bed.
NK | Yalie resembling my dead friend took me out for Uzbek. After kebab and one “Gaga” (kinky, celeb-inspired cocktail that can be found at Bar 9 in Hell’s Kitchen), informed him of similarity, then asked if he’d like to proofread my John Donne paper.
SN | Co-author forced me to go on post-election walk with Parsons photography major. Nipped neolib autopsy in the bud by asking to see his work; he showed me only his professor’s.
NK | Old flame arrived at my bodega. He asked where I’d been: “My grandmother’s funeral.”
SN | Beckoned co-author of this log from other end of apartment to entangle our bodies for two uninterrupted hours in middle of night. Both parties emitted ineffable noises. December
NK | Received unwelcome serenade from British man who thought he was really doing something with acoustic rendition of “Stairway to Heaven.”
SN | Ran into semester’s biggest seminar crush in Butler. Met her at Hungarian the next day; on icy stroll in Riverside, ate shit.
NK | Made mistake of proposing the Met as second date with G0ldm*n S#chs Associate. He wasn’t familiar with the Met 150. Adopted a cat.
SN | Sent cute photos of me playing with co-author’s new cat to former lover. Still awaiting response.
NK | Retreated from Upper East Side brownstone at approximately 3:00 a.m. in pursuit of co-author and popcorn.
January
SN | Crush dropped 4:10 seminar before Edward Said even name-checked. Naptime.
NK | Was asked for hand in marriage by wannabe screenwriter, only to find out from said proposer’s brother of his ongoing involvement with a brunette (information relayed in grocery store).
SN | New Schooler called my outdoor dining choice “fine,” its offerings “kind of pointless,” and me “shivery.”
NK | “But don’t you find capitalism kind of compelling?” asked incoming Yale Law Scorpio on endless hike, reaching for political alignment.
SN | Former crush called—to tell me that as compensation for rejecting me in September, she’d found me perfect match? No. She needed to go to Whole Foods for shampoo and wanted buddy.
February
NK | Man at Erewhon demanded evidence of my Judaism before asking for number.
SN | Found extremely desirable chair for $75 on Facebook Marketplace. Offered $40; was counter-offered “60 if you give me a tour of the Cooper Hewitt.” Lost bid.
NK | Scheduled office hours with prof to discuss gender implications of Grimms’ Fairy Tales. IDK, kind of hot.
SN | Emailed septuagenarian prof carnal, contextless quote.
NK | Informed by boss of my potential after handing him morning coffee. Said he knows because he has an MBA.
SN | Over wine in campus tents, friend and I declared longtime mutual crush. She then listed, in ascending order of salience, her more pressing romantic engagements.