Is He ... You Know ... ?
Updated: Mar 3, 2021
By Gabe Garon (Affirmative) and Nicole Kohut (Negative)
Gabe Garon: It’s so crazy that you ask that because I was LITERALLY just thinking the same thing about the guy I saw on Saturday. Like, is he … ? Because it definitely seems like he could be. All the signs are there. I mean come ON, he lived in a John Jay single freshman year. And we all know what that means.
Nicole Kohut: You know, I thought John Jay was a sign. My guy also let it slip that he used his ODS accommodations to snag a JJ single (on the fifth floor, no less). It got me super spooked. Freshman spring, I peeked into his room on my way to buy Adderall from the horse girl with a god complex who lived down the hall. The only thing he had on his wall was an enormous poster of Joe Rogan. Initially, my psycho alarm was BLARING. But after thinking about it for a while, it kinda became a turn-on.
GG: That’s insane. My guy is also obsessed with Joe Rogan. At first, I thought it was ironic, like how people “love” Susan Boyle. But then I realized he was genuine, like how people love Susan Boyle. To each their own, I guess? But when he was discussing Joe the other day after the in-person sociology class we’re both in, I could literally see his nipples get hard through his turtleneck. Which was obviously from Topman. I think that really says something.
NK: For sure, for sure. But are you saying that only gay people shop at Topman? Like, if you shop at Topman, that makes you gay? That’s so regressive. You sound like those middle school boys who call their friend the f-slur for eating a Ring Pop. Also, my dad has a shirt or two from there and he’s definitely not gay. Trust me. He and my mom have the most amazing sex life.
GG: Okay, fine, maybe the Topman thing isn’t as big of a sign as I thought it was. But we went on a DATE. Like, a date-date. And he asked ME out.
NK: How’d he ask you out?
GG: Over Venmo. Why?
NK: That happened to me, too—I met up with him at Nuss to work on a project together and paid for his bagel because he forgot his wallet. Right after I requested the $4.50, he completed the transaction, liked it, then commented, "Wanna take this downtown?" It totally caught me off guard. But I guess by “downtown,” he meant 107th and Broadway. And then he was weird after the date, too. He didn’t want to come to my apartment even though my place was within free Via range and I had a negative Covid test email from Melanie Bernitz sitting in my inbox. Like, are you really gonna ask me to Fumo and then not go down on me? But he ordered an entire margherita pizza for himself, and only a straight man has the confidence to do that on a first date.
GG: Yeah, he sounds straight but not in a fun way. And so interesting that you say that about the pizza, because when we went to Pisticci my date only got a salad and ice water. Didn’t even want wine. Which to me screams I’m-trying-to-keep-my-lower-colon-clean-for-sex-reasons. And when I asked him where his shirt was from he said—and I quote—“I think it’s Tommy Hilfiger, but I got it from L Train Vintage, the one near Mood Ring.” Like … come on. What else do you need?
NK: That does not sound heterosexual to me. I think you’re in the clear.
GG: But when I mentioned Jojo Siwa, he asked if that was a new type of Girl Scout cookie, so who really knows? And when we left the restaurant, he said he had to get up super early the next morning for a “Sig Ep thing.” Sig Ep isn’t even one of the gay ones! If he’d said Sig Nu or Beta I wouldn’t have been suspicious at all.
NK: Wait, my guy is in Sig Ep, too. ... I wonder if he knows the guy you went on a date with. By the way, did your guy talk about pegging at all? Because mine wouldn’t shut up about it. At first, because of the painted nails and the Carhartts, I thought he was some kind of deranged heterosexual TikTok e-boy that accidentally ended up in a frat. He also kept mentioning being a male feminist, but when I made a joke about Columbia being woke for naming the main library after Judith Butler, he totally didn’t get it. Absolutely flew over his head.
GG: Oof ... that’s rough.
NK: And I was totally ready to settle for a guy who thinks he’s a feminist because he checked in on his female friends when RBG died and didn’t hate reading Sappho in LitHum. But then he told me he uses he/they pronouns? Major curveball.
GG: Dear god, I hope the heterosexuals aren’t taking he/they pronouns, too. We just ceded eating ass to them. Can’t we have one thing for ourselves? My community is suffering. But if he ends up being gay, you’d better send him my number. He sounds sexy.
NK: Oh, absolutely. You know what? I think I’m reading too far into this. He is an Aries, after all.
GG: Okay, but what’s his moon?
NK: … Gemini.
GG: Wait. ... Did we go on a date with the same guy? Does he have a kind of curly mullet that sometimes looks good, sometimes looks absolutely revolting—but in a hot way?
NK: Yes. ... Is his name Alex?
GG: Yup. And it isn’t even short for anything. Just Alex.
NK: Damn. ... Well, not EVERY Gemini moon named Alex has to be gay, right?
GG: I mean, they’re adding a Gemini moon symbol to the pride flag this year, so ... looks like I win here.
NK: But he went to LaGuardia and he’s summering at his family’s home in Lake Como which tells me he’s the rich performing arts burnout type (think Ansel Elgort) rather than gay performing arts burnout (think Timothée Chalamet). But, then again, when I suggested we meet up in Switzerland after I finish my internship in France, he told me he couldn’t because of a prior obligation. And no, it wasn’t to make an appearance at his mother’s charity fundraiser that would ultimately provide very little relief for those starving children but definitely give Mhelanee the confidence she lost after her luxury sex toy MLM scheme flopped. It was ... COÖP orientation.
GG: Is he at least on HOP?
NK: BOP. ... Is that bad?
GG: I mean, speaking from personal experience, that does not bode well for you. But he also told me that he got “really into cooking” during quarantine this summer, and when I asked him what he knows how to cook, he literally just said “beans.” And then he offered me beans.
NK: Oh, he’s straight for sure. Otherwise, every man I have ever dated is gay.
GG: With the amount of beans he’s eating, he’s definitely not a bottom. But I feel like the jury’s still out. Do you think you’ll see him again?
NK: Here’s the thing: he asked if I wanted to come over to see his foliage. Idk if that’s code for his peepee, but if he has more plants than me I’m jumping in the Hudson.
GG: I kinda want to see him again, too ... but maybe I shouldn’t, considering I think he stole my credit card information while I was in the bathroom.
NK: Wait, SAME. Should we confront him? Both about the cards and his sexual orientation?
GG: Honestly, I’m more concerned about his sexuality than the credit card thing. But I think we definitely should.
NK: Wait, is that him walking down the street now?
GG: Doc Martens, a side satchel, and the vibe of a middle-aged architect … that’s definitely him. God, he’s hot.
NK: Okay, this is perfect. We have to ask him. It’s now or never.
GG: Wait, oh my god ... is he … ?
NK: He is absolutely kissing that man and that woman on the mouth. And holding their hands. GG: A polyamorous bisexual. To think we almost got roped into that polycule.
NK: Wanna do ketamine until we feel better? G: Yes <3.
*fade to black.*