Is Woke Back?

By Rocky Rūb and Schuyler Daffey

Illustration by Isabelle Oh

The following emails were uncovered in The Blue and White’s ongoing investigation into two Columbia students who completed internships on the Hill this summer and are now staffers on the teams of Zohran Mamdani and Marjorie Taylor Greene. No stone is going unturned. Please consult this space for further updates.

From: Richard Ryder

Sent: 11/11/2025 7:34:35 PM

To: Maysie Rosa Scott 

Subject: [URGENT] Is Woke Back??!!

Dear Maysie,

Pardon my French but gosh damn I just don’t know what to do anymore, and though I know we don’t always see eye to eye since the Lord’s divine hands lift me up, I must come to you now as a friend from the Hill. My beloved Ms. Marjorie (Taylor Greene) (GA R-14) has lost her marbles. And gosh, I just respect her so much. You know, she was the one who took me in after I was accused of being the other “Senate Twink” in that just SHAMEFUL gay-sex video that I obviously had to watch a couple of times to look for evidence that defended my name. She said she liked my “spunky attitude and natural instinct to blame AOC,” and the rest is what you liberals call Herstory. I guess I’m gonna have to start adopting a vernacular like that. It was a surprising friendship, of course, a lot like ours actually. She was the only other person who I could confide in about my big secret—that I’m a big ol’ Gators fan, in case you forgot—something that would never fly in the great state of Georgia. There’s just something about those University of Florida boys: they hit harder, they handle their balls better, and you haven’t lived ‘till you’ve had your shirt ripped off at a tailgate while a frat brother gives you a “beer baptism” (mind the blasphemy, it’s just what they call it)! Dear Lord, if my father sees this confession…

The truth is, I need your help. MTG has gone FULL WOKE AHEAD; well, not entirely, she still stands to protect our borders from terrorists, thank God, but AHEAD SHE LOOKS—and right into unemployment. Like last week when I called my mama on Sunday after she finished heckling a bunch of Jezebels walking out of Planned Parenthood, she was telling me about Reverend Tickelers’ sermon on the importance of empathy (hence the donation basket for the NRA) when she said what a perfect coincidence that was because just that day, my dear boss was on the television saying how she wanted to “end the toxic fighting in politics.” Like, Marjorie! We used to win on toxic! 

And I blame you, Maysie. I know Ms. Marjorie swears nothing about her has changed, but ever since she saw your Zohran Mamdani win that primary over the summer, she’s been in such a frenzy! Before that, she never questioned the media training I prepared for her. Rule number 1: Deny. Rule number 2: Deny. Rule number 3: Blame a minority group. Rule number 4: Declare racial profiling as “America first.” And rule number 5: Deny, again. 

Now it’s all, “put down the knives” this, and “be kind to one another” that (sorry, did you see how that worked out for Ellen??) And then it’s a vote yes for universal healthcare? Men in power should be held accountable for sex crimes? Like, please, Marjorie, those are my friends. 

All I have left is the sweet memory of her letting me try on her “Talking to Democrats” wig after she scolded me for trying on her “Naughty Marjie” wig. In case you were wondering, she let me shave her head during “MTG Intern Movie Night” when she got inspired by Natalie Portman’s performance in V for Vendetta (2005). I guess the whole bleach blonde, butch body thing really stuck with her. 

Look, all I’m asking for is three things: 

1. PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO BE WOKE. Try as I might, I can’t help but slip into someone’s accent if they aren’t understanding my English. And I’m never going to be perfect when it comes to virgin-nouns (my nickname for pronouns that I wanted to use one last time). AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DEI (there ain’t no way that my brother Dyl Daux didn’t get into Columbia because of “the situation,” daddy got that scrubbed from the records a long time ago). But I promise I’ll try. If Zohran declares, I guess, so it shall be. Woke will become my only way of life. 

2. PLEASE LET ME SWITCH FROM CU REPUBLICANS TO CU DEMS. They won’t miss me after I tipped off that Blue and White reporter about that voting scandal last year. 

3. And, PLEASE HELP ME GET A NEW INTERNSHIP ON ZOHRAN’S STAFF. You are quite literally the ONLY commie-lefty that will talk to me anymore after I got too toasted at Sunday brunch and accidentally tweeted those not-so-nice things about Greta Thunberg. I’ve got nothing against the girl, if I can even call girls that anymore!

Again, I NEED THIS JOB. My girlfriend just bought us a strap-on that requires a subscription service.

Bless your heart and pray for mine,

Dick

P.S. I draw the line at calling God a woman. 

From: Maysie Rosa Scott 

Sent: 11/11/2025 9:57:32 PM

To: Richard Ryder

Subject: [URGENT] Is Woke Back??!!

Dear Dick, 

It truly is an upside down world we’re living in when that witch Marjorie Taylor Greene stands more in opposition to Trump than Zohran Mamdani. Don’t even get me started! Instead of the Marxist revolution I was promised when I joined Mamdani’s campaign, it’s been a series of concessions and sheer chaos since we won. It is a slap in the face, honestly, that Mamdani is now colluding with this fascist government. I wanted to scream at the photos of his meeting with Trump in the Oval Office. I advised him not to go! I stated explicitly in my 50 page memo advocating for a Manhattan workers’ uprising that we must observe a strict policy of non-cooperation with Trump and his goons. We’re beginning to resemble The New York Times with all of this “both sides” nonsense.  

And did you see that he met with the authoritarian police commissioner Jessica Tisch?! I thought we were abolishing the police! Where is the vanguard party meant to lead the workers to revolution? All this makes me question my purpose in Mamdani’s campaign—was this what I legally changed my middle name in honor of Rosa Luxembourg for?!

In regard to your other request, I can definitely get you in with the CU Dems. The president is my ex, but he owes me a favor after I brought him on my family holiday to Mallorca last year. Mumsy and Daddy even let me take him with us on the private jet! And then he cheats on me with that skank from Mock Trial? The nerve. You cannot embarrass me, though, Dick—if you let it slip even once that you used to be an editor for … The Independent …  my good name will be ruined. I know that anything goes with the CU Republicans, but we CU Dems uphold decorum. We won’t tolerate any demeaning comments! You cannot call anyone a Jezebel and you most certainly cannot slut shame. And you must cut off all contact with anyone involved in The Sundial immediately. You cannot even be a sometimes-contributer to that poor-excuse-for-kindling “newspaper,” if we can even call it that. 

But Dick, you must promise me something. If I help you with this, my most insidious, most horrifying secret can never, ever get out. No one can know that despite all that they do to bust unions, that I …I … (it’s almost too horrible to utter) ... actually drank that vanilla foam mocha double shot cappuccino from Starbucks that wretched night when I chained myself outside the National Mall to protest the lack of regulations being introduced by congress on Greenhouse Gas emissions. I had been picketing for 32 hours by that time, Dick, and I was falling asleep on my feet and … Starbucks! ... I can hardly say the despicable word … was the only store open in the vicinity. But Dick, you must take this to your grave. I would lose my position as President of the New York Marxist Party if this were ever to get out. You must swear on Elizabeth and Bernie that it will not! 

Fight the power,

Comrade Maysie (she/they)