In Which Our Hero Searches for a Roommate
Updated: Mar 2, 2021
By Sadia Haque
As January turned into February and students, at last, began to settle into the second semester, there was one thing on everyone’s mind: next semester’s living situation. For many, this meant trying to convince their friends to move into the same dorm building. For others, it was fighting for the chance to get the ideal single with a private bathroom, kitchen, and fireplace. Verily Veritas, however, had completely missed this memo. Having returned from a winter break spent basking in the remaining glories of the semi-burnt Amazon, he was more focused on acclimating to New York’s bitter cold and the United States’ particular brand of fascism. Yet, as he sat through his morning class, he couldn’t help but overhear his peers’ anxious whispers about housing.
Am I supposed to already have that figured out? he wondered thoughtfully as his professor rambled on about the trauma she received from watching her cat spit out a hairball as a child. When the class ended, Verily resolved to find out what everyone else was thinking.
He turned around and inquired of the disheveled first-year behind him: “I ask you with the utmost sincerity to divulge to me your future living arrangements, if it is not too arduous of a request.” The boy quickly packed his bag and ran out of the lecture hall.
A relatively generous student who had witnessed the dismissal walked up to Verily, put her arms around him, and said, “Well if you ask me, you should look for a room in Wien. At least, that’s what I’m doing. It’s nothing fancy, but it gets the job done.”
Verily looked at her with a mixture of suspicion and intrigue.“Does Wien have options for doubles? I currently reside in a single and have recently determined that the solitary life is no life at all.”
“Um, I think they have some, but don’t you think you should find a roommate first?” she asked, then paused. “Unless, you know, you’re cool with anyone.”
“You are right! I must find a roommate,” Verily proclaimed, and he marched out of the building and onward along the snowy walkways. He thought aloud, his words echoing in the blustery wind: “Now, the question is, how do I find a compatible roommate among the thousands of petulant, undeserving students who attend this institution?”
As he pondered his dilemma, he spied a flyer on the ground and screamed, “Eureka!”. He quickly made his way to Butler to transform his idea into reality.
After printing out five dozen copies of his flyers, he planted himself near the Sundial, passing them out to unassuming strangers. Most people ignored him, but many were drawn to his clarion call: “I REQUIRE A HALF-DECENT COMPANION! UPSTANDING CITIZENS, APPLY!”
Finally, after hours of rejections, someone decided to give Verily a chance.
“Are you chill with anything?” asked The Boy Who Decided to Give Verily a Chance. “Cause I’m pretty chill when it comes to the roommate thing. I just need another person in the room to be able to sleep. And I do a ton of coke every morning.”
“There are no requirements,” Verily stated. “Although you must be willing to donate shelf space to my library and extensive candle collection.”
“Sounds cool! We should do it. Which dorm are you thinking of moving into?”
“This is my first foray into this realm.” Verily replied. “Although I’ve heard excellent things about Wien. We shall live there.”
His new roommate began to protest, arguing that two seniors could do better than a Wien double, but Verily had no interest in listening. As he walked toward Lerner, following the path of his appetite, a thought came upon him: “Oh, dear! I haven’t a clue what my new companion is named!”