Especially

By Shnayjaah Valentine Jeanty

hospitals are a scam, according to daddy, 

‘cause dying here is cheaper than asking 

for help, but his blood pressure might lower 

if i apply to med school. he doesn’t believe 

in daughters either. his faith is haiti’s, 

a constitution, no person is worthy of 

being a Haitian who is not a good father, 

a good son, a good husband, and especially 

a good soldier. 

especially, 

meaning: the fight comes before the family. 

meaning: good only exists in one language at a

time, and love has orders,so it always leaves. 

and when it comes home–if it comes home, 

it greets us with a gun, as if we’re supposed 

to know what to do with a soldier in a house 

built for a father. 

today, mama told me my dad was in critical

condition. the ICU has codes for every kind of dying. 

they are doing everything they can. 

my daddy, a body fought for. 

but his condition is worsening. 

the conditions are overcrowded. 

there are too many conditions. 

he hasn't seen a doctor. women 

are roomed with men. they piss on tile, 

with three-minute showers every 4 days. 

this is the worst of america’s hospitals, 

and the best of its immigration detention centers. 

mama tells me he wears handcuffs in the lobby, 

my father lives in a lobby. for a moment, 

i thought a coma might have better lighting 

than his future. a ventilator, truer than 

immigration officers.

america is a hospital made of waiting rooms 

they keep building around what they don’t

want to treat. where daddy thought he’d heal

from surviving war without bullets. where 

he sat and sat and sat until someone decided 

he was neversick, just foreign. 

daddy came to america to be especially. 

to naturalize every hypertension diagnosis. 

to raise a daughter who could earn a full ride 

and major in the wrong thing and still send 

her mom grocery money every week. 

who could say thank you in every room, 

even when she meant please. 

once, a president headlined haiti 

a shithole on a thursday. by sunday, 

daddy was vacuuming. cleaning 

the sofa, before shithole 

turned sinkhole. he scrubbed 

our fridge doors, re-folded clothes, 

as if the house looked american enough, 

we’d get to stay. 

maybe especially as in good soldier. 

obedient. useful. dead & neutral about 

our dead. especially as in i’ve done 

everything right: full ride, wrong major, 

and halved paychecks. 

letting you call me brave 

so you wouldn’t have to be anything at all. 

if they send him back– 

in a box, or chains, to a country 

he won't survive again, i will 

not write another poem. 

i’ll be especially, 

meaning: 

our fight outlasts our families.

“Especially” is an excerpt from Shnayjaah Valentine Jeanty's upcoming collection,

Hollowed by Help, which will be published by Write Bloody Publishing in April 2027. You can find more of Jeanty's work on her instagram: @shnayjaah.