Humpty Dumpty Goes Micro-Nuclear

The True Story of a Prospective Intern.

By Sepp Zammuto

Illustration by Jiaying Geng

Stuck on the 6th floor of Butler Library last October, working tirelessly on my internship applications, I saw a ghost. An ad sent from heaven appeared between my reels: an Enron billboard that read, “We’re back, can we talk?”

Enron, formerly the world’s largest energy trader, was back in business? I couldn’t believe my eyes. Checking their profiles, I was astonished to find that they had reinvented themselves with a new flagship product: Micro-nuclear reactors for household suburban use. In addition to their ability to power a home for up to ten continuous years, the reactors were constructed in a family-friendly ovoid design that could easily become the centerpiece of any modern living room. 

I was delighted to see that Enron was hiring fall interns, an opportunity for a dream come true. In my answer to Columbia’s listed media supplemental essay, I cited Birds Aren’t Real: The True Story of Mass Avian Murder as my greatest inspiration. This seminal ornithology paper was authored by researchers Peter McIndoe and Connor Gaydos, the latter now the CEO of Enron. 

As I scrolled through Enron’s Instagram, I was overjoyed to see that the company was in such caring hands. Upon viewing Mr. Gaydos cradling his beloved egg as he prepared to gift the very first one to Paris Hilton, I was overwhelmed by his reverence for a sustainable future. In that moment, observing this man’s soft touch on the hard shell of his creation, I knew he was more than just a visionary businessman—he was a gentle patriarch, and his nuclear family of Humpty Dumpty technology was a symbol of the future. I needed to be a part of this. 

Wasting no time, I began my internship application by responding to a set of statements, rating my agreement. Based on the answers, prospective Enron-family members were sorted into Enron Labs, Enron Cares, Enron Corporate, or Enron for the Arts.

• “Transparency is key.” 

“Strongly disagree.” In the world of innovation, transparency and regulation only slow things down. The pre-2001 Enron model was brilliant in this regard, masterfully using shell companies to conceal debt and move inadequate assets from their books. Because Enron also lobbied for and successfully engineered the deregulation of energy markets, this strategy yielded no consequences. Absolute genius. 

• “I will conduct any task given to me, no matter the morals of the situation.” 

In an instant, my cursor jumped to the right side of my screen. “Strongly agree.” Morals are just manifestations of our own discomfort that get in the way of creating products that actually matter. As Henry David Thoreau said, “Aim above morality.” Name a successful inventor who has ever let their morals restrain them from doing what’s right! I’m proud to say moral flexibility comes to me as easily as it did for the people of Enron twenty-five years ago. 

• “I can remain calm during government sanctioned interventions.” 

I paused, conflicted, before eventually settling on “Agree.” My lips are sealed. I didn’t see anything, I didn’t hear anything. But if they touch the Egg, this drone-rooster will crow. 

A week after submitting the survey, I received an email from the Enron Internship Committee inviting me to “formally apply to [their] exclusive professional development experience.” I was high-key losing it. I immediately posted a screenshot to my Instagram with the tags @enron and #birdsarentreal. This was practically a VIP invitation.

In the email, Enron asked me to submit a short, 1-2 minute video explaining (1) my background, (2) what I hoped to gain from the Enron Internship experience, and (3) if I had “ever been accused of orchestrating a sophisticated financial crime.” In my video, I articulated that I was a Post-Material Particle Physics major at Columbia, and my main goal was to unlearn all the brainwashing jargon the Ivy League had taught me about ‘basic workplace ethics’ and the so-called ‘infeasibility’ of mass-produced micro-nuclear technology. I added that while I had not yet been accused of any sophisticated financial crimes, I was excited about the prospect of continuing to get away with them. 

After waiting for two months, I still hadn’t received a response. Also, the Enron Egg I had preordered in October to power Wallach Hall never shipped. Convinced there must have been some mistake, I checked Enron’s website, and was horrified to find an announcement from CEO Connor Gaydos that the Nuclear Regulatory Commission had revoked his license to sell the nuclear reactors. “President Trump, I need your help,” Gaydos declared, unyielding. He proceeded to call for “the immediate firing of Dave Wright,” head of the NRC, asking for “a full DOGE audit of his entire operation.” 

Inspired by Mr. Gaydos’s resilience, I quickly reached out to him on all social media platforms: LinkedIn Premium, Sales Navigator, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even TikTok. I relayed my outrage at the NRC and asked where the company would go next. I still haven’t heard back. 

I also reached out to Colin Magelky, a sophomore at Princeton and previous Enron intern. Since he also didn’t get back to me, I figured his projects must have been too confidential. But when I revisited the blog post that detailed the summer interns, the names of all past participants were suddenly gone without a trace. Why wouldn’t anyone talk to me? How could I possibly put Humpty Dumpty back together again?

At this point, I’ve lost hope in the system. I’ve resorted to building my own micro-nuclear technology on campus using the vast resources in Mudd. In search of advice for how to replicate the Egg’s uranium zirconium hydride fueled reactor, I contacted Enron CTO Daniel Wong and anxiously await his reply. In the meantime, I wander the Makerspace, guided by the faint warmth of the Egg’s heat-resistant Enronium casing.