Death by Coffee Culture

Worshipping our dark (roast) Lord. 

By Maia Zasler

Illustration by Justin Chen

Double, double toil and trouble, latte burn and mocha bubble. All hail coffee, our dark Lord! 

Dearest Fellow Worshipper, 

There is no escape from the alluring powers of Keurig grounds or the mystical steam of the French press. If you just thought to yourself, Who, me? I don’t drink coffee! while a self-satisfied smile settled on your face, I’ll be the first to break the news: The sentiment applies to you, too. Whether you reject caffeine outright, or embrace rituals of chai, (real) matcha or the ever-heretical bagged tea, changes nothing: As a student at Columbia University in the City of New York, you are a subject of the corporate coffee (cult)ure. If you, dearest devotee, have explored the dark arts of the coffee chat—that mutation of simple pleasures and authentic connection—you too have sold your soul to the grind!

There’s no escaping this caffeinated cult. Does your hand twitch while you walk the streets without a plastic cup filled with brewed goodness (or, if the beverage were to hail from Joe Coffee, watery swill masked with sugar)? You’ve been conditioned! Dearest performative activist, did you purchase a pumpkin-spice latte ($7.25, before tax) when it was 75 degrees outside? You say you want a greener future, and yet you buy into a lifestyle built around waste! You’re wearing shorts, sweating from the sun, but if it tastes like artificial fall in September, all is well. 

It’s fake. It’s all fake: most of the flavoring, the formulated nature in which you meet people, meet friends, while sipping black gold. Long forgotten are the origins of the coffee shop; the Ottoman “cofficons” of the 15th century were once revolutionary spaces that provided a niche for genuine socializing and intellectual discourse. We have removed this essence by adopting masks, exchanging ceremonial chants rather than real thoughts. 

Do you think of the pre-professional club you were rejected from, wondering If only I had signed up for a third coffee chat and nodded along once more to melodies of “merger and acquisitions,” “IPOs,” and “bulge brackets,” I would have gotten in. This “kiss the ring” exercise in sycophantic blowharding is the (un)natural extension of a world dominated by mediocre coffee. Technological obsession, pseudo-addiction, has attenuated our efforts in this realm. You use AI to write your resumes and churn out cover letter after cover letter for these forays into the pre-professional. For the most part, AI models process these artificial applications. The human component is diminished. Only we can filter out the person-to-person element that still remains!

Coffee fuels. It can be sublimely concocted and sinfully delicious. But you see, dearest gullible consumer, routine is relatively easily exploited. As you have been focused on your perfect blend of courses and extracurriculars, those following the Lord have successfully made your coffee worse and made the prices higher. We have stirred a spectacle that requires When-to-Meets to schedule a moment of togetherness. And you have been fooled into thinking you have a choice! 

Do you feel your coffee chats are scripted? Your morning order rehearsed? You are the ones that have embraced corroding humanity to gain expediency. Seems a fair trade, no? The evolution of the capitalist economy is your horror to swallow. You made your brew, now steep in it.