Some say Columbia’s admin are inaccessible. We say they’re just camouflaged and hiding in trees. Here’s our guide to spotting your administrators in the field.
Words by Sean Augustine-Obi
Illustrations by Joanna Zou
LEE BOLLINGER
Eminus dominus
Likes: Free speech, territorial expansion, autocracy
Weaknesses: Things that are inhibited, feeble, and closed shut; salary audits
Location: One of his many Global roosts
SUZANNE GOLDBERG
Visiri praeses
Likes: Legal scholarship, blogging
Weaknesses: Title IX, The Varsity Show
Can be found: At a screening of “Straight Outta Compton” in Miller Theatre
JOHN J. VALENTINI
Maximum maximum
Likes: Chemistry, screensavers, campus trivia
Weaknesses: Mattresses, cover photos
Can be found: Panhandling outside Lerner Pub
DEBRORA SPAR
Corporum feministus
Likes: (Barnard) Quads, (Housing) quads, libraries without books, Having It All
Weaknesses: Fire
Can be found: Teaching Zumba to the board of Goldman Sachs
ROBERT KASDIN
Cheney abscentia
Likes: Budgeting, bureaucracy, bonuses
Weaknesses: Sunlight, being on the record
Can be found: At Johns Hopkins
CRISTEN KROMM
Gaudium bellum
Likes: Small children, quoting Socrates, fire safety
Weaknesses: Alcohol, concerts, shoes
Can be found: Holding office hours after campus tragedies