A Columbia Fall Recipe
Be you a sour, cynical senior, or a naïve, over-enthusiastic first-year, everyone can enjoy, or is at least academically obligated to experience, fall at Columbia University! So try out this recipe, straight from the pages of Grandma Bollinger’s Audi-brand recipe book.
In a large bowl combine motivated students, high expectations, top-tier faculty, intellectual spirit, and a dash of legacy admits. Add youthful faces after crushing between two towels with crippling workload. Stir to combine.
Add a potentially life threatening amount of coffee, a few midterms (preferably as close together as possible), and an existentially confused walk through Riverside Park or two. If mixture becomes mopey, apply a homecoming darty concoction of denim jackets, state-school spirit, a very temporary interest in athletics, grain alcohol, and fruit juice.
In a separate bowl, take endowment and leave at room temperature, allowing to increase in size.
After a brief period, pour into Upper Harlem and stir. Rub hands together and chuckle as development mixture further rises. Add students to mixture until color becomes pale. If students stick to the sides or protest, apply oil and avoid for multiple months until problem is solved.
For the subtle, more ingenious notes, sprinkle in some sunny days on Low Beach, a breeze across Amsterdam, and a 3 a.m. chat in Butler. Occasional calls to parents optional.
Finally, coat in entirety with pumpkin spice and Pantone 242 food coloring. Place in a catering tray, allowing 48 hours to sit and obtain spongy, inedible texture. Reheat, and serve in John Jay